The one thing going through my mind allot the past couple of weeks is what people have caused me to be. I feel that throughout my life people have had great influence on me and my life... They have caused me to be who I am today, but sadly they have also caused the pain that lingers in and around me. The sadness and anger that sit on my hands like blood drops... My mom who has been a Alcoholic for as long as I can remember has now finally gone mad, she is in Hospital and not even they know whats going on. They are classifying her as a psychiatric case and say that she needs further help. With what money, time or patience am I supposed to help? The woman that has thrown me away time after time... Ran after Alcohol and Men rather than caring for me. I have grown up without a mom, not even to talk about my real dad.
My "real" parents have split up not in the case of divorce but in the case of my "Dad"(Grandfather) dying. My Grandad died of an heart attack a few years ago and my "Mom"(Grandma) was all I had left to call my parent. Sure my biological mom was there but she just demanded favors and little love was offered. No effort and no time was given to me because of love and wanting to... The only time I saw her is when I went to her, had to fight to get there and had to fight just to fit in. This is not me...
My "Mom"(Grandmother) is now in a Old age home and can barely even remember me... She is quiet and pulled out of society completely. I miss her laughter and jokes...The tea times with biscuits and cake... The hugs and wet kisses. I miss my "Mom"!
My Uncle has given up his all, his everything for us... for my "real" mom for my Grandmother and Grandfather and ME... He has pulled himself down to pain and worry and anger... He is trying and for that I have great respect.
It is times like these that I don't want to be around, I don't want people to know who I am... but these are the times I must stand up and be heard. Yet I want to cry myself to sleep. These are the times I have to give to them that which they have not given me! Love in the true sense of the form.