Time Spent Alone

I grew up thinking that I do not want to be alone... I am making a change to that statement!

The times that I thought that I will always be fine with people. That people need to energize me, that I need not to be alone. I see something wrong... Well I feel the wrong in that statement I mean.

Over the past weeks and months I have seen that the more I try to get myself some alone time the more I find myself surrounded with people. The more I try to say I am fine being alone and at home for a change the more my friends say no they will help. Is this wrong? I think not! But what I do think is that I need to be me more. I need to find myself more... I am holding my breath because of the times I find myself doubting what I always believed to be true. I find myself getting the answers to questions that I have always had answered in my life and those answers differ from what I was thought.

I am busy losing myself in what I am and not busy growing in who I am! I find it very important that I be strong and hard with those trying to change me to their standards and to there way of doing things.

I am me! I want to be me! I want to make my own decisions with my own consequences. This is how I thought myself not the other way around. Not to get me wrong I love what I have and who I am and just need me more! More of my uniqueness, more of my humor, more of my time!

This all seems to be very messy and this all seems to be very badly written. But all of that you see is what I feel in myself now. A messy time has passed a muddy time where I still struggle to see myself in.

I will be me no matter what. God let your will be apparent in my life.

I could of been Reading

I can sit here and think about my school years without even blinking about stuff I did wrong but in the past two years it has changed. When I think back to situations and problems I have had with people etc I see so many thing. Ways to fix the problem, the way I would approach it differently and just how to show more maturity in the situation. I now know why this is. In the past two years I actually knew better than to act like an idiot and be nasty and self domineering. I knew I was doing wrong still I did it... Well now I know better!

I could have been reading is a title I gave for the plain fact that after school I could well have gone to study IT and could well of been finishing my 3rd year this year of IT.  But the fact of the matter is I did not and I very happy I did not. Yes I am a geek and Yes I am not crowd attraction but being with people and being able and willing to help them is much more me. I like tech and computers do not get me wrong and I still do get so carried away when I speak about tech, sound etc... but I know it is not to be something that should ever become my study direction. I firmly believe I have to study Theology and I am definitely planning to still do so in the next two years to come.

Ok... So more about me and my emotional state. I am doing very well emotionally and God is blessing me more than ever each day. I now have a car, a house and a great place to work and this all God just gave me for free... Well so to speak. My uncle and me have the best relationship of our lives at this stage and it is hands down the biggest highlight of my year so far and will most probably stay except if Barrack Obama decides to adopt me and appoint me IT Head of America and believe me that will never happen.

Well this is me now....  I start working on tuesday but hay I love my work it does not even feel like work.



Chaow!

Being Surrounded with People not False

Over the last last weeks I have felt love like never before. In ways i did not think possible and in places I thought abandoned.

My prayer the last few days has really been yes that my team Plum will find the funds needed for fundraising but also that Gods hearts desire will become one with mine... that nothing will stand in my way with me and His will and that I will not be blinded my my own personal inhibitions.

My family has dissolved into my Uncle and Me. My funds has dropped to almost nothing... Yet i cannot be happier! Jesus is blessing me and surrounding me daily with people that just energize me! My friendships are flourishing and I thank God for that!

This is a short blog to share my short and sweet story!

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The Passion if Vision

With the title "The Passion if Vision" I want to bring one thought and one thought only up... and that is
that is your Vision filled with Passion? If not you seriously need to sit and re-check your Vision.

The past couple of weeks I have had quite a struggle with the plane fact that I don't know what God is really calling me for in life. I know its for his Ministry and my life will be dedicated to him through ministry work but is it with 13thFLOOR and is it in the literal sense of the word.

Now lets have a structured BLOG again.

Those two top paragraphs is really just 2 random facts that has been apparent in my life these past few days. Being back on Campus and living the "normal" life again is yet another period in the year and all but if I have to think that there s only 3 months of my second year in 13thFLOOR left it scares me! Not a little a lot!

I just need to say this.. this BLOG is soooooo messed up today but with this I want to try and share my mind...

I pray this PRAYER:

Lord may you share the desires of your heart with me and may nothing stand in the way of your Vision for me! By your Grace, Let me me and instrument in your hands and let me the the I out oof our relationship! AMEN

Thinking of Problems Causing Pain...

The one thing going through my mind allot the past couple of weeks is what people have caused me to be. I feel that throughout my life people have had great influence on me and my life... They have caused me to be who I am today, but sadly they have also caused the pain that lingers in and around me. The sadness and anger that sit on my hands like blood drops... My mom who has been a Alcoholic for as long as I can remember has now finally gone mad, she is in Hospital and not even they know whats going on. They are classifying her as a psychiatric case  and say that she needs further help. With what money, time or patience am I supposed to help? The woman that has thrown me away time after time... Ran after Alcohol and Men rather than caring for me. I have grown up without a mom, not even to talk about my real dad.

My "real" parents have split up not in the case of divorce but in the case of my "Dad"(Grandfather) dying. My Grandad died of an heart attack a few years ago and my "Mom"(Grandma) was all I had left to call my parent. Sure my biological mom was there but she just demanded favors and little love was offered. No effort and no time was given to me because of love and wanting to... The only time I saw her is when I went to her, had to fight to get there and had to fight just to fit in. This is not me...

My "Mom"(Grandmother) is now in a Old age home and can barely even remember me... She is quiet and pulled out of society completely. I miss her laughter and jokes...The tea times with biscuits and cake... The hugs and wet kisses. I miss my "Mom"!

My Uncle has given up his all, his everything for us... for my "real" mom for my Grandmother and Grandfather and ME... He has pulled himself down to pain and worry and anger... He is trying and for that I have great respect.

It is times like these that I don't want to be around, I don't want people to know who I am... but these are the times I must stand up and be heard. Yet I want to cry myself to sleep. These are the times I have to give to them that which they have not given me! Love in the true sense of the form.